01:41

I really hate being confrontational so I always or rather, usually just let things slide. But I'm just dying on the inside.

01:31

I guess some people can go back to their past and work things out, or change things.

I don't know. I wish I had that kind of courage. Or maybe, if I still had some sort of love in me, I could make things work.

Maybe I just fell out of love. Maybe my heart was too broken to look past mistakes. Yes I understand people make mistakes, I understand people wish they could take back things that have happened. Because I've been through those.

But this. This is one thing that would always haunt me. Because it made me doubt my self-worth. It's one thing that actually threatened my well-being. Because I thought without him, I couldn't breathe.

Sigh. 

In any case, I'm happy for you. You're my friend, despite that thing that happened between us. I wish you nothing but the best. Maybe, just maybe, she really could be the one for you.

21:25

I need a drink.

Very very badly.

2:41

Sometimes I wonder. Whether do I deserve to have someone.

Because I feel broken and damaged. And the thing is, I have no one else to blame. I'm the one who chose to wallow in self-pity.

Haha so much for acting as if I don't give a fuck about anything. Or rather, putting up a strong front about not giving a single fuck about having a soulmate.

I'm such a contradiction. I don't give a shit but I'm scared as fuck. I'm scared of being alone eventually. To be honest, I don't know how to handle myself. I feel like I'm too overwhelming for myself. I feel too much, I think too much, I fall too much and I love too much.

I put up walls so high that I don't even know who will ever be willing to climb them. I feel like I'm just sitting on the walls I've built and dangling my legs with uncertainty while waiting for something to happen, when I jolly well know that I should do something or change something if I want something to happen.

But I'm not doing a single shit. Which is quite an irony.

I'm not looking for a knight in shiny armor. I'm just looking for someone who is willing to catch me when I fall. Or to hold me but not break me at the same time.

Like right now. I need that someone to hold me now.

My head is heavy from all the alcohol and my heart is heavy from all the heartaches.

And my eyes are heavy from all the tears.